Quite frankly, I don’t quite understand revelation in the way that it has traditionally been presented. I am ultimately a believer but the real struggle I personally have is that I don’t feel like I’ve “felt” the Spirit in months. It is not like I don’t believe God talks to me, but I am clueless as far as “receiving revelation” goes.
Mostly I just do whatever the hell I want and call it good but that constant medium – aka the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost that I was promised and that I promised the people I taught on my mission they could have once they were baptized – as far as that goes…I have no idea where God and I stand. I consider myself lucky because I am married and I have someone who loves me constantly and makes me want to be better and that is just as good and I am okay without feeling God in my life. But what if Austin, heaven forbid, should die? What then? I don’t understand the traditional concept of receiving revelation and I don’t feel like I get it very often. I tell friends it’s okay if they leave the church because frankly I don’t blame them for feeling hurt and frustrated because they felt like God abandoned them too but I am seriously groping around in the dark here.
I can’t prove God exists. I can’t prove spiritual experiences. But I stay because I so desperately want to believe – I want to believe because I feel the Atonement of Christ aids those who seriously got the short end of the stick in life and I want to believe because I want to see my loved ones again after my sister-in-law died at the very young age of 33 and never got to really raise her kids.
I stay because of those reasons but not because I necessarily receive revelation – or at least according to the Sunday School version of revelation. I don’t receive revelation like “Oh we need to visit this sister RIGHT NOW BECAUSE SHE’S ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE” or like “as I was pondering over Alma 63…I realized that God needs me to go into business school.” That’s not how it works for me. But at the same time I do feel like I’ve received answers to my prayers because I am not the anxious person I used to be and I feel more loved in my life because I am married and have had to learn that not everyone treats me as well as my husband and that doesn’t diminish my worth any less and because I recognize that everyone has inherent worth and honestly if that’s revelation then can we PLEASE explain that to the rest of the population who are also in my shoes and are not feeling that God actually speaks to them.