I wish I could say this was me, but…
There is nothing enjoyable about constantly being peppered by thoughts of,
“NOBODY LIKES YOU”
“YOU TALK TOO MUCH”
“STOP BEING THE WAY THAT YOU ARE”
“YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO MUCH OF ANYTHING”
“YOU ARE UNLOVABLE”
That is my insanity.
Change, often. New things are largely uncomfortable, make me itchy and bring out the worst in me.
You know how you start a new job and you’re convinced everyone you work with hates you and that you’re uninteresting and will eventually be fired? No? Just me?
Okay, what about when you move into a new ward and find yourself struggling with relating to people, but also you don’t want to make an effort to make friends and so instead you’re just frustrated? No? Just me? Okay.
I try to talk to people and while outwardly I may even come off as charismatic or interesting or kind, inwardly it’s all just thinking,
“They hate me. They want me to stop talking. STOP TALKING! STAHHHHHHP!!!”
This…this is my insanity.
My patience has never been particularly…outstanding. Getting used to things is like being stuck in a mire. Largely you’re uncomfortable and it would be best for everyone if you get out, but also it’s kinda warm and you’re already here so you might as well make yourself at home. Getting out of that mire takes forever. I’m stubborn and almost don’t want to leave my sticky situation.
Also, exercise. Seriously, that spinning class. My teacher may have an eclectic collection of music (Tron soundtrack and Backstreet Boys), but it works.
Being in my head is like spinning: I work very hard and pump and pump and pump and strange music plays and it’s dark and my heart races and I cry a little and throw up and never get anywhere.
But spinning… spinning is NOT like being in my head. Spinning gets me OUT of my head. Because instead of my thoughts going in a rote pattern, I start thinking,
“AAAAAHHHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHH! THIS HURTS! I CAN’T DO THIS! THIS SUCKS!”
But I CAN do it. I do it every Monday through Thursdays at 10 AM while mouthing along to “I want it that way.”
And somehow, the exercise gets my thoughts onto being productive, having goals, learning to live again.
And quite frankly, there’s something quite glorious about that.