We cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and I’m coughing up bathroom cleaner and bleach
And I have one box full of clothes ready to donate and say goodbye to forever
I was never ready to say goodbye to you.
I cried last night because I thought I would never be a good writer
But today there was giddiness because I signed Austin up for the Buzzfeed dog newsletter but he doesn’t know and I can’t wait to see how he reacts.
The mornings are always better than nights
In morning I bounce out of bed and eat breakfast and think and exercise and laugh
At night the sickening feelings of insecurity and loneliness and worthlessness slide through the cracks in our apartment door and window blinds and gather inside my stomach as I browse other people’s lives
my brain gets on a circular rail
My ears shrink – eyes shrink – everything’s big – I am small
So it is better to sleep, I think.
The mornings are always better.
Austin and I saw Frances the other day
I get jealous in a happy kind of way when she sees him
Her eyes sparkle and mouth widens and she screams, “AUSTIN!” as she barrels into his arms and he tosses her into the air
I can’t figure out if I’m more jealous of Austin or Frances.
Frances is darling and sweet and kind – everything you were and Kurt is not yet. He’s too harsh to Frances and I yell at him
But if she is anything like you she is resilient and strong and frighteningly talented
Her heart is the size of yours
That swelled up too much and stopped beating while I was away.